Seek First to Understand,
Then to be Understood

The single most important principle in the field of interpersonal relations is this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Most people listen, not with the intent to understand, but with the intent to reply.

Steven R. Covey
(p. 28)

Where does understanding begin? Demanding to be understood is a way of saying, "You open your mind for me." Wanting to understand the other person is a way of saying, "I'll open my mind for you." The two are so different in tone and meaning that it's hard to do both at the same time. So we generally focus on one or the other. Most people want only to be understood. At the root of personality conflicts is the feeling that "he or she doesn't understand me."

We can be different, with tremendous benefit to the relationship, by seeking first to understand. When we seek to understand, we are applying the principle of empathy. Empathy is a Greek word. The em-part of the empathy means "in." The -pathy part comes from pathos, which means "feeling" or "suffering." We have empathy when we place ourselves within the other person, so to speak, in order to experience his [or her] feelings as he [or she] experiences them. Empathy does not mean we agree; it means simply that we understand the other point of view.

Once we understand, we can proceed with the second step of the interaction: seeking to be understood. But now it is much more likely that we will actually be understood, because the other person's drive to be understood has been satisfied. Then, when both parties fully understand both points of view, they can work from there to discover the third alternative.

Keys to Communication To understand another person, we must be willing to be influenced. When we are open, we give people room to release their fixed positions and consider alternatives. Seeking first to understand, we gain influence in the relationship. Seeking first to understand leads people to discover the third alternative.

When we seek to understand, people become less defensive about their position. They become more open to the question, "How can we both get what we want?" As they get their position out of the way, they begin to see their values more clearly so they can use them as guidelines for creating and evaluating other options. By jointly considering other options, they develop a third alternative.

Empathic listening is particularly important under three conditions:

• When the interaction has a strong emotional component.
• When we are not sure that we understand.
• When we are not sure the other person feels confident that we understand.

  Under other circumstances, empathic responses can be counter productive. For example, we don't need to reflect our understanding, no would it be appreciated, when someone asks us where the restroom is.

  Empathic responses can guide both people to understanding:

  Sometimes the person we are listening to may not be totally clear about their feelings and their point of view on the issues. Their interaction with us may therefore clarify things for them as well as for us. Often that clarity comes when they hear us reflect what we're understanding. They may say to themselves, "Yes, that is what I mean," almost with surprise at hearing their thoughts expressed so clearly. And they may be surprised to find they disagree with their own position.

  Our goal in reflecting should be to express the other person's point of view better than they can.

  We are often able to express the other person's point of view better. They are so close to their own point of view. It is often hard for them to separate the different aspects of an issue. Because we are listening from the outside, we may pick up things they had missed -- assumptions they had not clarified, for example, or relationships they had overlooked. This is the sort of thing we cannot do when we are defensive or when we are listening through the filters of our own experience.

  Empathic listening allows the other person to explore his or her feelings at his or her own pace and direction.

  The important thing about empathic listening is that it gives the other person psychological air. It lets them express and explore their feelings without being threatened, without feeling a need to defend themselves and fight for survival.

Reference
Covey, S. R. (1991). The seven habits of highly effective people: Audio learning system application workbook. Covey Leadership Center, Provo UT.