by Tammy Engel
Deborah Tannen, feminist author and professor, examines the use of apologies by both men and women and focuses mostly on men's reluctance to apologize. She has no problem admitting fault or apologizing but her husband does. The article then explores whether apologies are hard for all men or just her husband. She observes that there are men who can apologize easily and often and there are women who can't, but in most situations women can apologize with greater ease than men can. For example, the author uses a situation where her husband forgot to mail a letter. He offhandedly stated that he forgot to mail the letter and offered no apology. Tannen, in this situation, says that she would have fallen over herself trying to apologize for her mistake.
Women and men apologize for different reasons depending on the situation. Women apologize as a conversational ritual--as a way to acknowledge that something regrettable has occurred--and to admit fault. Men, on the other hand, usually use apologies to say that they regret not what they did but the reaction that occurs. Instead of saying " I'm sorry for canceling the date" men may say " I'm sorry for hurting your feelings." They don't admit fault, but they do succeed in calming the situation. The example implies that real men don't apologize. One CEO avoided admitting fault by instructing an assistant to apologize to employees for him. Apologies are seen as a sign of weakness which explains why more women seem to apologize. Most little girls learn early on to reward other girls that don't talk like they think they are better than their peers. Boys, however, learn that their peers will take advantage of them if they appear to be weak.
Because apologies appear to be difficult, Tannen suggests the
phrase "I'm sorry" be taken out of our vocabulary. She
then reconsiders and concludes that perhaps society would be better
if more people apologized. One business manager found that apologies
helped his employees forgive his mistakes and made them even more
loyal employees. It's amazing how an apology, if it is sincere,
can calm even the roughest waters.
by Michelle Jensen
"I'm Sorry, I'm Not Apologizing': Conversational Rituals," an excerpt from Talking from 9 to 5 by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. discusses the perceived differences of saying "I'm sorry" and apologizing in the workplace, and illustrates the implications of conversational rituals. By discussing the implications and impact conversational rituals have in the workplace, Tannen proposes to make people aware of their rituals and to learn from them.
Tannen writes in a non-intimidating and non-offensive tone for men and women interested in workplace conversational rituals. This particular article may be more beneficial and interesting for women however, because Tannen's findings indicate women say "I'm sorry' more than men. Women need to be aware of their apologizing language and tone because of the impact it may have on their jobs.
Tannen utilizes real-life examples in her writing which consequently increase her reader's understanding of the subject. She explains conversational rituals using the example "How are you?" Many people ask the question and are not interested in an answer. We understand what a conversational ritual is because we have said things without thinking about literal meanings. We also identify with Tannen's examples of apologizing rituals in the workplace because most of us have said "I'm sorry" without intending an apology. In several illustrations Tannen notes that saying "I'm sorry" can mean "I'm sorry that happened" or can be an expression of understanding. For example apologizing as a "routinized way of taking the other person's feelings into account" is illustrated in an example of amateur pool player Julie Nograc beating champion pool player Ewa Mataya. Nograc apologized throughout the game, not in regret that she was winning but "was simply expressing her awareness that her doing so must have been making Mataya feel bad."
Tannen's illustrations of the impact and implications of ritual
apologies for women in the workplace are perhaps most noteworthy.
People who frequently apologize seem to take the blame for things
that are not their fault. Tannen found that women are more likely
to do this than men. One of Tannen's examples contends that a
woman's apologizing reflected on her competence and resulted in
her not receiving a bonus she deserved. Tannen also suggests
that because women use ritual apologies frequently it becomes
expected; and women who do not ritually apologize may be seen
as "hard-edged.' Tannen effectively illustrates the impact
and implications -- for women especially -- of apologizing in
the workplace. She also successfully emphasizes the importance
of being aware of one's conversational rituals.
by Tammy Engel
Tannen's focus for this article is the use of apologies by both men and women, but she communicates her point in a round-about way. Examples convey different uses of apologies, but Tannen doesn't get to her point until halfway through the article. Once there, however, the point is made clear. Apologies are a sign of weakness so real men don't apologize. If they do apologize, they do so in a way that they don't admit fault.
Tannen points out how just one phrase-- "I'm sorry"-- can be seen as a way that women and men differ in linguistic patterns. Women apologize with more feeling by using an apologetic voice and having a dejected look on their faces. Also, women tend to show remorse according to the severity of the offense. Men give an offhanded "Sorry about that" when women would apologize immensely. Admitting fault does not come easily, for men especially.
The author attributes the trends in apologizing to what children learn at a young age. Boys learn early on that they will be taken advantage of by others if they appear weak. Girls learn to reward each other for not behaving like they are better than anyone else. They are taught to be fragile instead of strong. So while most women apologize because they really are sorry or regret what they did, many men apologize as a way to calm anger instead of admitting guilt. Tannen, I think, does not believe that language is the factor that affects gender differences. The struggle for power seems to be more of a component in the language differences because she uses the concept of weakness versus strength when she talks about men and women and how they apologize. Men are strong; no apologies are needed. Women are weak; apologies are needed for almost all situations. While she may not believe this concept, she uses it to illustrate just how power affects language.
Despite the difficulties the phrase "I'm sorry" creates, Tannen concludes that society would be better if everyone apologized more. While more apologies may be worthwhile, I don't think it would solve any problems with gender and language. The power issue needs to be resolved first before any other kind of change, like apologies, can make a real impact.
According to Gesa Kirsch in Women Writing the Academy, scholars of gender writing (Tannen, Lakoff, and Spender) have been accumulating examples of differences in language, but there has been little agreement on how to interpret these differences. Agreement or not, Tannen's message is clear. Apologies may be seen as a sign of weakness, but they aren't. It takes strength to apologize--no matter what gender you are.
© Tammy Engel and Michelle Jensen, Winona (MN) State University, 30 January 1997. This document may be freely distributed for educational use as long as this notice of its authorship accompanies its distribution.
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